Sorry ?

Sorry, doesn't mean a thing nor does it make amends.

You will never know, but I do. And I am sorry.

You are kept in the dark, I poured this darkness on you. Sorry.

I didn't want to do it, yet, I did. No explanation, all excuses. I did it knowing the consequences. And I prayed this cat will never be let out of the bag to spring on you.

I am sorry.

Yet, sorry means nothing.

How can I go so far and sink deeper, all out of willingness, all in my clear mind. I am sorry I casted you aside, doing the unspeakables.

I am sorry.

And, yet, sorry doesn't turn back time.

I can never forgive myself, yet I did it.

I am sorry, really sorry.

Oops! YOU did it again...

You played with my heart, and I got lost in the game.

Time & time, I reminded myself, not to be silly and foolish, because you are a man good with your words, but not true to them.

I succumbed, I failed, I fell. I didn't learn no lessons, I fell, I picked myself up, only to be left standing picking the pieces up.

Again and again, trapped in the circle you created, with me enveloped.

December, you said. The month to sort things out when you will be back for good.

What will it be like again?

Will I soar or will I fall?

Will you let me fall?

Sorry doesn't help soothed the pain.

Everytime I close my eyes, I re-visit the memories that could never be erased. Do you feel the same thousands of miles away? Do you? Or am I the only and only exquisite one still clinging on to what is no longer there?

Love lost... You left me jaded and bruised, and yet have to keep going on to face the world, a world with you, but not in my world.

I began stacking the bricks, keeping myself inside again, afraid of the outside world. A wall unscaleable to anyone. I drew a circle around my heart, protecting it. In the end, I only felt more miserable, more withdrawn.

I can no longer say what I want to, fearful to face up to my true feelings, everything is under wraps. Everything surpressed.

All, just because of you.

Dear Mummy...

I do not know the feeling of lugging me around in you for 10 months, nor was I present when you experienced morning sickness and all the unpleasant things.

Needless to say, I did not experience the endless pain you were in while bringing me into this world. But I can imagine the tears of joy rolling down your cheeks when you first held me in your arms.

I was your first child, at your tender age of 22. First child; many first experiences. My first step, first day of school, first time you caned me, so many first times for you and me.

I have broke your heart and brought you boundless joy. I've made you cried and made you smiled.

Your love for me is truly beyond words and nothing in this world can be compared to it.

You gave me a lovely name, a cozy home and your affectionate love. You never once gave up on me when I was in my rebellious phase.

I want to thank you, for bringing me into this world.

I want to thank you, for giving me a well upbringing.

And your limitless love to me.

Thank you.

I seldom say this, and you might never see this, because you don't read blogs, but..

Mummy, I LOVE YOU.

Your daughter
WanRu

Washington D.C.

It's no point telling me we could try again with a "Let's see how in December, I'll then be back permanently."

I've psyched myself I can live with or without you. With all that had transpired, I thought we had reached a conclusion and closed this door shut.

Now, you came and opened up the Pandora's box. I am sorry, you can have this tin of worms, I don't deserve your attention at all.

You brought me brief joy, and endless hurt.

I missed you, I miss you still, no denial about that.

But throughout the months you were gone and rebouncing to other girls, I've learnt and moved along. I wrapped myself in the cocoon of pain and hurt then, going on my every day as per routine. Working, eating, gaming, chilling out, sleeping, etc. I became the busiest person. On my chill out days, I was still joking about and around just to hide myself from myself and my friends.

All these, to get away from the traumatised Bebe inside.

I was afraid to see who I really was. I was afraid to see who you really were.

Days went by, I grew wings. And I soared, away from you. I found the lady who seemed afraid to be exposed. I found the hurt that accompanied it. I found the snares and traps of resentment and bitterness that strengthened it.

I do not want to fall back into the dark pit. I never want to walk down this lane of flaming fire and boiling lava.

Don't come knocking on this sealed door, please. I don't know if I have the courage to ignore the knocks, I might succumb, I just might, and it won't be a pretty sight.

Let me leave with dignity and closure, don't make me look back over my shoulder. Don't leave me fearful of the day I will get to watch you walking away from me. I don't want a diminishing backview of yours as a memory of mine forever. Don't leave me saying a teary goodbye again. Don't haunt me.

Missing you will never be as painful as having you and then to lose you again.

Get lost... and don't ever return.

Break, broke, broken.

She slammed the door shut. Alone in her own world and away from the world outside, at last. It has been suppressed in her for too long, the mockery, the sarcasm, etc. There is only that much she could handle and dismissed away nonchalantly.

She didn't know what got into her, she saw the tweezer lying on the table and without any hesitation or care, she snatched it and slashed her arm wildly.

When she saw the blood oozing to her skin, her sanity came back and she stopped. She sat at the edge of her bed and cried, pillow in her face acting as a muffler. She didn't want anyone to know, didn't want anyone to witness her crazy antics.

The pain kicked in, she cried till she was shivering and gasping for breath. Wallowing in self-pity, crying her heart out all the sorrows she had swallowed and endured over the years.

What is wrong with her? Why?

She forced herself to calm down, washed her face, attended to her wounds, and lay down in bed for a brand new day ahead.

But will there be scars? They can never go away completely...