Random Musings

It's sad when it comes to a point that you have to amputate a friendship. But do you know what's sadder?

That when you've done it, you never once looked back and regretted it.

Friends are not the names in your Nokia phone book, nor the email addresses in your MSN list. They are not mere names or faces. They play a genuine role in your life. They love you, they try their best to understand you and they accept you.

You have always been a friend to me, but I don't know what exactly went wrong with us. Although I do know that something was amiss when I rarely felt like calling you or taking the initiative to ask you out.

And deep down, I know that I've been withdrawing from you. More than anything, I'm afraid of who I become when I'm alone with you. I become insecure because I don't know when is the next time I'm going to say something wrong or insensitive to you, or when I'm going to be judged for what I do and choose. I am terrified of your sarcastic, uncaring retorts.

Years of great memories, forgotten?

When I finally realised I had did all that I can, and I didn't feel anything more for you, I let go.

No matter how perfect friendships seem to be, words and actions, once said and made, cannot be redeemed or remedied. Time inexorably moves away from the experiences, but instead of becoming distant, it grows tentacles that seize their beings and influences everything for the days to come.

In a photo frame, we look like awesome best girl friends, with the same broad smiles and arms around each other. But though a picture can capture a moment, it cannot tell you what encompasses it, what had come before and what is to happen after. It cannot reveal our innermost feelings, it cannot speak the truth. One Kodak moment masks a broken friendship for awhile, but an ever-widening circle of consequences has already started to take effect, slowly, but surely.

Now, I've moved on. Silently, for months. You've never asked me why I am not there for you anymore, maybe you don't even bother, I'm okay with that too.

I've learnt a valuable lesson, that, when you compromise your own self and pride too many times to keep a friendship afloat, its time to reflect whether its worth it. Life is a confusing equation at times, and maybe, at another given time and place, I can be myself and at the same time, be the kind of friend that you really need.

And girl... I'd have love you forever if you had allowed me to.